what happens when 630,000 people stop being polite....

...and start getting real? Well, it seems as though this trip is all about finding the "realness" of china. We decided to stay another night in guilin, and possibly more. This town is absolutely lovely, and the people are the nicest that I have EVER met. We started the day by going shopping (again). Woods kept trying to find shirts his size, but they were all too big. He had to buy a kids small. Woods, also almost got run over by a scooter lady because he was looking at a shirt across the street that was totally "cutez0r." (If you know that term, then you are a nerd!) It seems like people are surprised that we speak Chinese when they find out that we are Americans. We are kind of a novelty here. I like it. I like it...A LOT.

This blogging thing is totally getting out of control. It is no joke that we are complete slaves to our blog. Check the dedication:
Anyway, so we go to this place for dinner, not because the food is awesome, but because it is the only place with wifi!

Once we get there, we find that we need an adapter to plug in our computers. Our waitress actually WALKED me to the back alley and helped me buy the plug. AMAZING. And then these ex-pats that are here teaching English in Guilin came in, and I realized that in only 8 days, I missed the HECK out of sitting down and having a conversation in English. They gave very interesting insight into China living....that they string up great danes and eat them, that people raise these dogs to sell, and that restaurants pretty much hit the dogs over the head with baseball bats...that women will blackmail you for your money and you'll get deported...that little chinese kids idolize westerners. It's simply awesome how we can all just be "friends" in a heartbeat because we share the same language. Plus they absolutely loved our blog name! Cheers to Gideon and Richard and the rest of the Australian homies!
Afterwards, we met up with a "greeter girl" (Huan ying guan ling) that we met at McDonalds. She originally thought that I was Korean...but I quickly cured her of those ails by showing her my Chinese language skillz. And, this will blow your mind...at McDonalds here in guilin, they pay you $RMB 4.5. That's $0.50 an hour. Crazy. She was real cool. She took us to this night club called Caesers where everybody has to "buy" a table and they chit chat over really loud and really bad mando-pop. There was a dance floor that was, and I kid you not, 5x7 and of course the Lao Wai had to show them how they do it in America.
Keep your comments coming! That's literally the only thing that is keeping Woody alive!

what happens when 630,000 people stop being polite....

...and start getting real? Well, it seems as though this trip is all about finding the "realness" of china. We decided to stay another night in guilin, and possibly more. This town is absolutely lovely, and the people are the nicest that I have EVER met. We started the day by going shopping (again). Woods kept trying to find shirts his size, but they were all too big. He had to buy a kids small. Woods, also almost got run over by a scooter lady because he was looking at a shirt across the street that was totally "cutez0r." (If you know that term, then you are a nerd!) It seems like people are surprised that we speak Chinese when they find out that we are Americans. We are kind of a novelty here. I like it. I like it...A LOT.

This blogging thing is totally getting out of control. It is no joke that we are complete slaves to our blog. Check the dedication:
Anyway, so we go to this place for dinner, not because the food is awesome, but because it is the only place with wifi!

Once we get there, we find that we need an adapter to plug in our computers. Our waitress actually WALKED me to the back alley and helped me buy the plug. AMAZING. And then these ex-pats that are here teaching English in Guilin came in, and I realized that in only 8 days, I missed the HECK out of sitting down and having a conversation in English. They gave very interesting insight into China living....that they string up great danes and eat them, that people raise these dogs to sell, and that restaurants pretty much hit the dogs over the head with baseball bats...that women will blackmail you for your money and you'll get deported...that little chinese kids idolize westerners. It's simply awesome how we can all just be "friends" in a heartbeat because we share the same language. Plus they absolutely loved our blog name! Cheers to Gideon and Richard and the rest of the Australian homies!
Afterwards, we met up with a "greeter girl" (Huan ying guan ling) that we met at McDonalds. She originally thought that I was Korean...but I quickly cured her of those ails by showing her my Chinese language skillz. And, this will blow your mind...at McDonalds here in guilin, they pay you $RMB 4.5. That's $0.50 an hour. Crazy. She was real cool. She took us to this night club called Caesers where everybody has to "buy" a table and they chit chat over really loud and really bad mando-pop. There was a dance floor that was, and I kid you not, 5x7 and of course the Lao Wai had to show them how they do it in America.
Keep your comments coming! That's literally the only thing that is keeping Woody alive!

Guilin/Yangshuo in China

Hey everyone, sorry it's taken so long to blog, and our posts have been so irregular but internet access is bone dry in this town. Let me give you my version of our 2nd, significantly better day at Guilin. Let me reiterate that our first impression of this place was when we landed and looked around a deserted airtrack, and felt totally fish out of water like we were on Mars:



But our second day we went on a river boat tour that went from Guilin to Yangshuo, which was pretty/boring. It was an hour and a half boat ride down a gorgeous river that was overshadowed by towering, immense rocks that thousands of years ago were below sea-level. When we reached Yangshuo, it was totally a tourist trap. The second you walk off the boat you get mobbed by locals playing "theme from a summer place" on traditional chinese instruments.

So we decide to take the bamboo boat tour, where 2 people sit on this bamboo raft, approx 5' x 20' and this guy peddles you downriver:





Like all things in China, this is a complex experience. One the one hand, there's beautiful scenery/you-are-there-rustic-authenticity, and on the other hand, there's dozens of tourists around you having the same exact experience. Also, there's a woman standing behind you with a husky voice singing chinese river songs, through a loudspeaker.

After a bit of this unsettlingness (hearing live chinese folk music through a loudspeaker 2' behind your head is not unlike standing in front of a banshee, or for that matter, listening to reggaeton in a club), Simon in true Simon fashion, somehow gets the megaphone and sings his renditions of famous Chinese standards, video to follow...

On a completely unrelated note, SOMEONE END THE "FLATTEST CREWCUT EVER CONTEST"... WE HAVE A WINNER:


In other news, while walking around in Guilin last night Simon's "Realness Radar" goes into overdrive and detects the following:



ROLLERSKATES AND PINGPONG, SON!!!

OK, I will let Ctown and Simon let you in on their perspective. Also, let me note that this blog is slowly taking over our lives. We in fact now plan our schedule around the availability of internet and schedule entire blocks of time to blogging/editing. Even as I type this Cynth is uploading a music video she shot in Hong Kong. Also, we now have a Vachina bug! It will make its premiere on Cynth's video...

Mmmm Goi Sai, HK...Ni Hao Guilin and Yanshuo

Like Woods said, we wanted to get the Da Bian out of Guilin the minute we got in. We got put in the slums and I kid you not, there was a dude just walking the street with a meat cleaver (and he wasn't trying to sell any meat). I thought about taking a pic for the blog, but I didn't want to get my arms cut off. But hey, what can you expect for RMB230 a night, TOTAL. That's less than $10 a head. Oh, and they had this special card that you have to put it in a slot (thats what she said!) that turns on the electricity. Weird.

So, CUT TO the next day. We get a call from our tour guide to go on the LiJiang RIver Tour. It takes us from the city of Guilin to the city of Yanshuo on a beautiful 52 mile river tour. The scenery is gorgeous. But what was more amazing is we meet this Chinese woman traveling on her own...and yes, I know those of you reading this right now are thinking that I tried to hit on her. Well, you'll be proud to know that I DID...in CHINESE.

"Dua bu chi, xiao jie, ching wen, ni yiao ka fe, cha, hai shi wou?"

DOPE! But she was married. However, the truly remarkable thing was what we learned from her as a native. For example, I fit the typical stereotype that the Chinese have of Americans: loud, open, friendly, rich, frank, positive, and unhandsome. I told her I thought Chinese people smelled bad. She agreed.

After getting to an over commercialized Yanshuo (where you can buy a ROLEX for $50), we went on a lazy river ride on bamboo boats. That was probably my highlight of the day. Below is me singing on the river, "muo li hua" to the people next to us (video to follow):

Anyway, this is a totally verbose blog, and on top of that, I am trying to do this all over a dial up connection. Lesson 1 from China, NEVER take my broadband connection for granted ever again. See, I'm learning already.

Next stop? Who knows...we're playing it by ear. :)

danger!

SIMON LOOKING EXCESSIVELY CHINESE:


so right now we're blogging in guilin in China. this is the first place we've been to in "the motherland" and believe me when I tell you that HK spoiled the hell out of us. fast, english-friendly mass transit system? reliable sources of potable water? free wifi everywhere you go? pretty much all service personnel speaks english?

not so in mainland china. we arrived in guilin super-late and the first thing we realized is that cynthia sprained her ankle.

UNAUSPICIOUS.

then all the memories of china come flooding back: mosquitos, yelling, aggressive salesmanship, complete lack of observance for traditional rules of the road (ie- pedestrian gets right of way, etc).

according to our fromer's book (ugh), we stay at a bug-infested hotel that is so run-down and grim it makes me and Simon think we're staying in a mining town. We decide that it's one day and that's it for this place!!! The area is so deserted we think we're in the boonies. For example, we go to the "China Agricultural Bank" and the ATM eats my card. Cynthia then proceeds to UNPLUG THE ATM FROM THE WALL and the machine reboots and spits out my ATM card, before going to the standard PC startup screen. Next we realize that it's 10 pm and nothing's open, so we go to the local store (exceedingly bare. you know those bodegas in NY that look like they're fronts b/c they sell like 3 things? the convenience stores here make them look like Pathmark on inventory day) main items for sale include but are not limited to: mosquito spray, mosquito incense, panty hose, snoopy paraphernalia, jay chou potato chips, ramen. We eat ramen for dinner like college students. This is a spartan lifestyle!

so long story short: we hate guilin the first night here and pretty much expect to get killed the next day. However, the next day is actually quite amazing and turns us 180 degrees around on the whole thing.

"there were monsters in guilin, and truly we were they" - us the next day
"dzui gao de dzun dzong" ["maximum respect"]

HK!

Man, for some reason I can't get enough of Chinese signs. Nor can I get enough of falling apart buildings. It makes me feel like I'm walking around in a Geof Darrow drawing. I guess in China I'll get mugged every 5 minutes while I crane my neck up like a tourist at all the buildings.

Yesterday we had our first unsupervised, risk-taking food eating experience. We were originally going to keep a running tally of # of poos we take VS how many of those poos give us Rhea Pearlman (eg- SIMON 4:0/WOODY 3:0/CYNTHIA 0:10), but we figured that would be distasteful (esp considering the fact that loved ones/family are probably reading this). So suffice it to say that we emerged from the restaurant as Team Vachina 1, HK 0. Here's our Goodfellas tribute to how crowded this restaurant was (our only clue that it might be a good one):



Afterwards we went to Repulse Bay (more like Repulsively Boring!), where we went into the beach and tried to film a dozen promos, VJ hits, Chinese New Year IDs, a tune-in, broadband segment, and 3 shows. Here's a 360 shot, note the building with a hole in it that allows it to stand strong against gale-force winds:



By now everyone was dying of over-tourism and exhaustion so we all went back to the hotel to relax for 20 minutes (read: blog compulsively/obsess over comments left by readers) and then my friend Sylvia showed up and took us out to eat delicious HK crab. It was out of this WOOOORRLLLD! Sylvia is already featured below, looking like an American Apparel ad for Simon's HK shirt giveaway contest. She also helped Cynthia (for like 2 hours while Simon and I withered away in hunger) to buy an exclusive, trendy, Japan-only (via HK) new celphone. Celphones are serious business in Asia:



They even have a throwback one designed to look like old gigantic portable phones from the 80s (awesome) and one designed to look like a toy porsche (only slightly less awesome). I'm sure Cynth will be gushing/raving about her phone soon, so let me only say that she bought the one that is available in different Pantone colors, so that you can buy like 5 and have a different colored one every day to match your outfit.

PIBE

Playing It By Ear. The Woodman hates that term, and now I kind of do, too. We are leaving the comforts of Hong Kong tomorrow and headed towards the motherland. I won't tell you where we are going...in fact, WE didn't even know until about 2 hours ago. But you know that once we get there we are going to be blogging like a mofo (if they have Internet in China). We don't have any other plans other than a plane ticket to _________, and the wind beneath our wings. It is tough to not knowing what lays ahead tomorrow, but at the same time it's liberating. I'll let you know how I feel about it at the end of the trip. But for now, like Ice Cube says, "We Be PIBE'n."

PS. I almost had diarrhea today, but I fought it off with two well timed Pepto pills. Simon 1 HK 0.

Of course, tonight we went to another night market (di tan) and while CTOWN and Woods were buying useless items for themselves, I thought about YOU, our loyal readers. So I have a present for one lucky individual. The first person to comment on this blog and tell me why you want this free authentic "Di Tan" t-shirt will get the prize (and the number of the girl wearing it, if you are so inclined.)



Good Luck!

This morning...

Disease Education

This is how you can avoid contracting Hepatitis C:



This is how you can get it:

hong kong style

Hello my lovelies. Our first night here in HK was spent at the night markets and trying to find a place to eat that wouldn't give us instant diarrhea. We have fondly nicknamed the runs as either "Rhea" Pearlman or Princess "Di." The first one that gets a visit from the princess is going to have their pictures posted here as well as other punishment. So far my stomach is strong, son! Here is the place we chose to eat on our first night.

Then on our second day, we decided to check out Victoria's Peak, as mentioned in Woody's previous post. I'm about to drop some knowledge on you. VP is HK's highest mountain at 1,308 ft. What use to take the Chinese People 3 hours to get to the top, they now have a tram that does it in 8 minutes. But to get to the tram, we had to take the Star Ferry first.
We get to the top and it's a pretty nice view, but they make you walk through this shopping mall just to get to the top. Here we are at the peak...I wonder where Cynthia is?

Now we are home blogging, Cynthia is at my side, and we are having a blog-a-thon. Also, C-town is compiling a "HOT MIX" of our trip so far. Watch out!

crowded

HK is the most crowded place on earth. In terms of new/modern existing right next to dilapidated/rundown, it beats NY by about a million times. Take a look at how tightly packed people live together!

Plus electric signs look amazingly cool in Chinese--it's like I'm watching Akira when I look at these things:

Today we went around tourist trap spots. First to Victoria Peak. This place sucks. Am I completely lame if I admit that the culturally edifying experiences are boring? Maybe just American. We ate lunch at HK's equivalent of Whole Foods and then wandered around Tsim Sha Tsui with all the expats, Chinese-Canadians, and South Africans (white). BTW, every white person around here wearing a suit is an investment banker.
Simon and Cynth have been shooting an insane amount of footage so expect an MTV style report coming up... B-roll city!

arrival time

Cynthia & Simon sleeping on the plane, note that Simon looks not unlike Robocop:



Finally, after watching Harry Potter 3 times (out of sequence) our plane lands... note that Simon is DP on this shaky "you are there" first person perspective. Also, if you think that this is a bit generic or the link doesn't work, not to worry. All you have to do is youtube "plane landing" and you'll see 14 million other people's amateur footage of a plane landing -- it's all the same anyways:



Arrival time in Kowloon, son!



What's that you say? This is also a generic picture? We could be anywhere and you want your China value? Fine. After arriving and settling into the Salvation Army Booth Lodge in Yau Ma Tei (where we are telling the concierge that there's only 2 of us instead of 3 so as to save on $$$, and in this way are not only stealing from the Salvation Army but by extension Jesus Christ), we went out and hit the Di Tan (Night Market). Here's me amid a bunch of crap!

Delirious

I kinda like this mofo blogger thing. I know C-town mentioned that the next time you read this that we would be blogging from China, but I made a liar out of her. It is now 10:37AM American time. I have officially been up past 24 hours and I feel like Jack Bauer. If I see that hoe bag Cheng Zhi who kept Audrey captive, I'm going to whoop him.


And, yes, it's true that I plagiarized Frommer's. Some (Woods and C-town) are Lonely Planet enthusiasts, but that book is for weak minded Americans. If you seek the truth, then ye shall find it in FROMMERS.

One last thing...in a group where Simon Yin is the planner, then we are all in trouble.

Here is a look at the previously mentioned enthusiastic excel excellence:



Oh yeah. Look at those Excel skills. OK, for reals, the next time we blog, it's gonna be straight outta HK!

Prologue

Just to give an idea of where we are mentally, physically and emotional at this point -- we have booked only our first flight and our first hotel in Hong Kong. The rest of our schedule is on an excel document that Simon copied from Frommers. At our last "planning meeting" a week ago, we ended up walking around the east village returning Woody's latest episodes of "The Wire" and looking for a place to eat outside. When we found a place, we ordered a pitcher of Sangria, of which each of us only finished half a glass (it was 4:00 in the afternoon) and gave the rest away to a gay couple next to us. Meanwhile, both Simon and Woody have now gotten drunk off said 1/2 glass, and we talk about how we are unprepared and how we can't believe we are going and then end up taking a nap at my apartment. This is about the same amount of planning that we have accomplished at each of our other 3 or so meetings - going to Barnes and Noble to research only for Woody to wander off into the comics section and for us to lose our focus amongst all the international travel books. "Let's go to Australia! Oooo, what about Vietnam? Japan! Oh wait, aren't we supposed to be finding our roots?"

I am packing up my room right now in anticipation of a possible subletter to decide whether or not he does want my room, which he won't know until after I leave at 3pm today. So I could be wasting my time packing up my comforter into a giant B&H bag and boxing up my personal effects. It's 8:55 am, I am still packing and have been trying to stay awake all night. I took a nap for a couple hours with my cell phone waking me up every 30 minutes. Simon has been staying awake also. He is delirious. When we spoke at 5:25 am, he was rambling about socks and ice cream. We all had a 3-way call at 5:35am, wherein Woody yelled into the abyss from his bed for someone else to bring a laptop so that we wouldn't be ganking his all the time. I have the biggest and heaviest laptop. Boo! For the past couple days, Woody has been nursing a 100 degree fever. He then dj-ed last night until 4am, got drunk and smoked a cigarette -- which we will be hearing for the next week through his phlegmy coughs and his lamenting "I shouldn't have had that cigarette!" I have been working, and Simon and I have been periodically texting each other expletives about actually going to china ie "we are going to f ing china!" "f*@&! we are going to china!"

I can't actually believe that we are going. It won't hit me until we land and suddenly, we are engulfed amongst a bunch of Asian people saying Asian words and doing Asian things -- ie pushing us as they pass and cutting in front of us in line. We went to the Chinese Consulate to get our visas a couple weeks ago and I left being racist against my own people. And we had only been there for 1 hour! An old lady with a cane got in line next to me, note: not behind me, and when the person in front of us left, I heard a few quick taps of the cane on the ground and suddenly I'm staring at the back of her head.

I have to leave in an hour to be at Simon's and I have half-packed boxes, backpacks and a suitcase taunting me on my floor. Of course it would be the perfect time to blog. I also have tivo-ed Conan coming from the living room. I'm going to miss American TV! Season finale of The Office! Human Giant just started. Who is going to win America's Next Top Model?

I leave with a list of fears: getting mugged/raped/sucked into a human trafficking ring/diaheria/getting one or more from a cacophony of indigenous diseases: bird flu, Sars, Hepatitis A, B, C, yellow fever, typhoid -- options!/getting drugs planted on us and ending up in a Chinese prison/getting backed into an alley and having our organs cut out -- you know, same ol same ol.

Next time we blog, we'll be in the motherland, suckas!